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My Battle with PPD - Part 1

AWC > Pregnancy > My Battle with PPD - Part 1

Note: First and most importantly before I start this highly sensitive blog, I want to make sure that everyone understands that I am not a medical expert!  The opinions and views expressed in this blog are solely my own and are not intended to diagnose PPD.  Please contact your medical doctor for any advice or diagnosis of this topic.  

Postpartum Depression. Before getting pregnant, it was a term I heard a lot about but knew very little about. Postpartum Depression or PPD, is a very serious condition. That's about all I knew about it. When I got pregnant, I received a lot of reading material from my OB registration at my clinic, a bag full to be exact. I read every pamphlet from front to back. When I got to the part about PPD, I thought I had a good understanding of it and what could happen. Oh was I wrong!

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PPD hit me like a mack truck on an interstate going 100mph. I had a very emotional pregnancy, which is expected when you have a husband who is leaving right after the birth of your first child. I knew that things would be hard and I was prepared for it to the best of my ability. I always felt that I should be a little more "happy" for the birth of my first child then I was, but I also knew that giving birth to her meant that I was losing a part of my heart not too soon after. I never associated any of these feelings that I felt with PPD. If anything I might suggest that I had a little bit of situational depression. When my daughter was born, it was the greatest rush of emotion I have ever felt. There she was, all bundled up in her daddy's arms, who might I add had the honors of holding her for the first time. I think he was amazed, I could tell by the way her looked at her. Love at first sight. It warmed my heart so much.

The first 2 and a 1/2 days were amazing, my husband never left my side the entire time that we were in the hospital. He slept on a god awful uncomfortable chair/cot that was in my half of the mother/baby unit at Fort Bragg. During my stay at the hospital, I didn't feel sad or unhappy, I just felt exhausted and a little bit like i was living in a dream. My daughter was born late at night, so our stay in the hospital technically required 3 days. Before being discharge, WOMAC requires that the parents take a class, and PPD is a topic that is covered. Still, I was having no symptoms but it was nice to be reminded of what to look for.

When we got home, not only was I exhausted, but I was in a ton of pain. Time was just not slowing down, and there was a lot to do before my husband could leave. The dreaded day came and it was terrible, and we spent half the morning staying in bed because we were exhausted new parents to an 11 day old baby who was getting up about every 2 hours. We left for the airport around noon. At this point the flood gates began to open and even something as stupid as locking the front door for the last time or taking the walk to the parking lot made me fall apart. Don't get me wrong, this day is supposed to be emotional but I am not an overly emotional person. At heart I am a completely softy who lets her feelings get hurt way to easily, but its a side that I rarely let show. My feels were unusual for me but then again we were in uncharted waters and everything in my life and everythingIi thought I knew had changed with the birth of our daughter.

So, now that my husband is gone, I cant even begin to tell you how helpless, overwhelmed and scared I was. I got in the car, and literally had to find the strength to be able to drive myself home. Once home, I had to find the strength to come back into my house. Everything required an unimaginable amount of strength, all of which I got from my daughter. All the while I'm thinking to myself, what is WRONG with me?!?! Then it hit me, I have postpartum depression. My husband left on a Saturday and on Monday morning I called the doctor and got a same day appointment. Sure enough. I was diagnosed with PPD 14 days postpartum.


Please look for the second part, coming soon! :)



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